A Lesson in Communication

An Amber observation of Amber in relationships....I act as if nothing bothers me, and show no emotion because I am terrified of rejection.

I had the opportunity to spend some time having a REAL TALK with an ex-boyfriend of mine recently. We had one of the best conversations that we've ever had, including while we were seeing each other.

What I learned....

1) He loved me..he still loves me..
When we were together, I never displayed any true feelings in fear of being rejected. We were involved sexually, but not emotionally. I remember when I realized I was in love with him...He drove me to my car, held me in his arms, we talked about nothing important, he kissed me goodbye. I got into my car, turned the music WAYYYYY UPPPPP (because that's how I listen to my music), and sped off. He was trying to call me on my cell, but I couldn't hear it ring, because of the loud music, and me singing over it. He pulls up next to me, we roll down our windows, he cracks on me about my music and my hearing...My come back...."Oh, by the way, I'm in love with you", and I speed off not giving him the chance to understand what I said, or to reject me. THE GAMES WE PLAY....btw....he never heard me!

2) Everyone knew how we felt about each other except for us..
He had two best friends, I had one. We confided in our friends. I assume that we must have sworn them to secrecy because no one ever told us.

3) I still love him...
In my opinion, if you were ever truly "in love" with someone, you will ALWAYS love them. While I am not in love with him anymore, I'm in love with someone else ;), I do still love him. We didn't have an ugly break up, in fact, I can't even remember how we broke up. He's married now, has a son, and has a beautiful house in Georgia.

4) We have grown up...
We questioned each other....why did we do that?, what happened with us?, why didn't we do that?, why didn't you tell me?.
The answer from both of us.....I don't know!

What we concluded.....
We NEVER communicated! I mean NEVER!!! I never knew when he was happy, sad, lonely, pissed, angry, excited....and vice versa. He told me he would get off the phone and call me every name in the book, lol. I have to laugh because I have always beleived that I am the most innocent human...when the truth is when I was younger... IF I FIND OUT HOW TO WORK YOUR NERVES AND YOU PISS ME OFF...I WILL IRK YOU TO NO RETURN!! I try not to do that anymore because it has backfired many times.
We never talked. I wouldn't call him, he wouldn't call me. When we spoke is was normally to find out what time I was going to his house, and I NEVER SPENT THE NIGHT. I know it's weird, but my mindset was if I stayed then I'd get attached, and eventually he'd see that I was attached and he'd hurt me.

The end result for me...
Lack of communication in our relationship was the death of it. It was the only problem that we ever had...THAT WAS IT!!I went through a few bad one's after him, but, finally, it left me settled in a relationship that keeps me on my toes(in a good way, god bless!). I am more aware of my feelings, however, after our talk, I am even more aware of my pattern. I am so very grateful for my friendship with him, without it I would have never been offered the opportunity to learn more about him and myself.

Although the ending of our relationship brought us to where we are today, I finally realize that I have a regret...

MY ONE AND ONLY REGRET....

I REGRET BEING TOO AFRAID TO FOLLOW MY HEART!!!

LESSON LEARNED!